Dorothy Versus Kiki
by Jared Phoenix
Summary: A new, 21st century spin on the Oz characters, this story takes place after that famous trip down the Yellow Brick Road. I've changed the rating. Tell me if it needs to go back to M. REVIEWS APPRECIATED!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not claim to have created the characters in this story – they either appear in the books by L. Frank Baum or in the MGM film, _The Wizard of Oz _– but, rather, I have _recreated_ them according to my own imaginings.

On a gorgeous day in the Land of Oz, Kiki Aru, the only male witch in Oz, marched down the Yellow Brick Road, which served as Munchkin City's main street. He was a darkly handsome young man – tall and lean, with longish black hair and a studded dog collar around his neck. He was wearing a black T-shirt with a big white skull printed on the front and black jeans that were ripped to reveal his black-and-white striped socks. His heavy black boots thudded against the hard yellow bricks as he strode toward his destination.

Kiki Aru was carrying a tin lunch box that contained all his witchy stuff. On the lid, a rainbow sticker was proudly and prominently displayed. He knew it was a bit late now, but he wanted to pay his respects to the departed Wicked Witch of the East. He was making his way to the place where she died. There it was: the old farmhouse where Dorothy Gale had once lived. The Witch of the East had been crushed when the house had fallen out of the sky, right on top of her.

Kiki kneeled down at the corner of the house and reached underneath. He pulled out a pair of black-and-white striped stockings – just like his own socks. According to local legend, the Witch's legs had curled up inside their stockings and turned to dust just as the famous ruby slippers were fitted to the feet of Dorothy Gale from Kansas.

Those red shoes were once right here, thought Kiki, where now he was left clutching two empty stockings. Even the Wicked Witch of the West had been unable to get her hands on the ruby slippers when she had come here upon hearing of her sister's death.

The witch boy opened his lunchbox and took out five black candles, which he positioned around the striped stockings that were still pinned down by the house. He was just about to light the candles when he heard someone calling his name.

'Hey, Kiki!'

He turned around. _Oh, shit!_ he thought. The three guys standing on the spiral that marked the beginning of the Yellow Brick Road were the Lollipop Boys, otherwise known as the Lollipop Guild. They were always giving Kiki a tough time because he liked to wear heavy eyeliner and paint his nails black. These Munchkins were not dwarves but man-sized hunks, all three. When Dorothy had first arrived in Oz, she had found that the Munchkins were all more or less her height, but that was only because Dorothy was such a tall girl – tall as a sunflower springing from the Kansas dirt, or at least that's what people said. The Lollipop Guild had, of course, been on hand to welcome Dorothy on the day she crashed in Oz.

The trio of Lollipop Boys was dressed in tight blue shirts and denim cut-off shorts.

'What ya doin', Freaky Kiki, trying to communicate with your dead idol?' asked Andy, the leader of the Lollipop Guild, as his two cronies sniggered.

Kiki despised the Lollipop Boys. 'Kiss my ass!" he spat.

'Suck my lollipop!' countered Andy, holding up a large lollipop, although the implication was clear enough.

Kiki knew a neat trick to get rid of them. With a snap of his fingers, he made their clothes fly off, leaving them in their underwear. Kiki thought to himself that these guys actually _were_ pretty hot.

'Holy shit!' they cursed in unison. They turned to run – and crashed into a girl with long auburn hair.

'Hey, boys,' she said. 'You must be feeling really frisky today. I've just got here and you've already stripped down to your boxers. Oh, well, I'm in the mood for a foursome.'

The girl was Betsy Bobbin, Dorothy's slutty friend from high school. She was wearing a tight white shirt, made especially revealing by the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra. Her tartan mini-skirt was short enough as it was, but Betsy made sure to bend over just enough to give the Lollipop Boys a quick panty shot. People didn't call her the Whore of Oz for nothing.

She noticed Kiki and said, 'Hey, Goth boy, you're welcome to join us, if you want.'

'Don't waste your time on him,' said Andy. 'He plays for the other team.'

Betsy looked confused for a second.

'Honey,' said Kiki, 'what you're selling, I ain't buying.'

'Omigod! Are you a friend of Dorothy's?'

'Do you mean that literally or figuratively?' Kiki asked with a smile.

'Ugh, I should have known,' said Betsy. 'I'd introduce you to Dorothy but she's already getting a reputation as a fruit fly – if you get my drift.'

Kiki wished she _would_ introduce him to Dorothy so that at least he'd be able to see those famous shoes of hers. But before he could say so, Betsy and the Lollipop Boys slipped into one of the dome-roofed Munchkin houses.

Kiki had already forgotten his flimsy plan of calling up the spirit of the Witch of the East. If he couldn't meet Dorothy in person, maybe he could take a private tour of her old house. The door was unlocked, so Kiki stepped inside and looked around. The place was a mess but that was to be expected, since the house had been blown to Oz by a tornado. It was a wonder that there was anything left of it.

He sat down on a plush green sofa and tried to imagine what it must have been like when the house was caught up inside the cyclone.

Dorothy Gale had certainly come a long way from being a Kansas farmgirl. After returning to Oz, she had made friends with Ozma, the transsexual princess who now ruled the land. Dorothy now lived with her in the Royal Palace in the Emerald City. Naturally, she was also in constant contact with her old pals – the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion. When she came back, Dorothy had also brought along the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, her friend Betsy Bobbin, and her cousin Zeb Hugson.

Zeb had been a ranch hand in California but now he too lived in the Emerald City with Dorothy, who seemed to dote on him. In celebration of his twenty-first birthday, she had given him a shiny new red convertible. (She could have had a car of her own if she had wished, but it was so much simpler to use her magic slippers to take her anywhere she wanted to go.)

If Betsy Bobbin was known as the Whore of Oz, then Dorothy's cousin was famous for being the Gay Cowboy of Oz. He had often been sighted driving around Oz with his hot blond boyfriend, Bruno, a former sailor.

Thinking about the Cowboy and the Sailor made Kiki wish for a boyfriend of his own. He felt that, if he was as powerful as the Witches of the East and West had been, he'd be able to have any guy he wanted. He remembered the legendary Witch of the West – a leather-clad dominatrix who had whipped her Winkie slaves into submission. Then, of course, Dorothy had come along and melted her. The Witch's castle had been converted into a fetish club, which was rather fitting, and Kiki thought that he might check the place out some time.

Then an idea suddenly hit him. Both Wicked Witches were now dead…but couldn't there be a _new_ Wicked Witch in Oz? Kiki decided that he was just the man for the job. He could _rule_ Munchkinland! Then those Lollipop Boys would have to think twice before dissing him again. But how would he gain enough power to take over this place? The Wicked Witch of the East had had the ruby slippers, but now Dorothy's feet were firmly planted in those shoes. Still, if Kiki could somehow get those shoes for himself, their magic would give him incredible power. With so many possibilities in mind, he hopped on a broomstick and took off for the Emerald City.

A new day began in the Emerald City. The towers of Ozma's Palace sparkled in the morning light. A few of the inhabitants had already awoken.

Zeb Hugson was awake but still in bed, in the large and luxurious suite of rooms he shared with Bruno, who was still asleep next to him. Zeb looked over at his hunky, bare-chested boyfriend. He could see the cute little anchor tattoo on Bruno's left upper-arm. Zeb thought about how lucky he was.

When Dorothy had found him, Zeb had been reading manga comics (the boy-meets-boy kind) and dreaming of romance. Since the Kansas girl had brought him to Oz, it seemed like all his dreams had come true. The Land of Oz was like a giant candy store where Zeb could have whatever his heart craved. Oz was such a colorful, weird and exciting place – for Zeb it was like an anime cartoon that had exploded into reality.

It was while Dorothy and her entourage had been doing a club crawl of Manhattan (If her shoes could take her anywhere in the world, she was going to use them for that exact purpose.) that Zeb had met Bruno. Zeb had been at a club called Foxville, where a Halloween party was underway. He remembered it so well: Gwen Stefani's song _What You Waiting For? _was playing over the speaker system, and everywhere he looked, Zeb had seen guys in costumes – firefighters, cops, astronauts, superheroes, and Air Force pilots. Zeb himself had (naturally) been wearing a sequined cowboy hat and leather chaps. While he was sipping the strawberry daiquiri that had been served to him by the buff, shirtless barman, Bruno had sidled up to him. They started talking and hit it off right away. Bruno was a sailor, in port and looking for action, which he got. Zeb had taken him back to Oz with him. How wonderful it was to make love in the City of Emeralds!

Zeb was rudely snapped out of his reverie by Dorothy, who burst into the room with her dog, Toto, trotting along at her heels.

'Jesus, Dorothy,' said Zeb. 'Do I come barging into your room when you're in bed with your boyfriend? What if we'd been doing it?'

'Sorry,' said Dorothy, 'but I just heard some juicy gossip and I _had_ to tell _someone _about it.'

Miraculously, Bruno was still asleep. 'Okay,' said Zeb. 'Dish.'

In another room, so as not to wake Bruno, Dorothy said in a rush of words: 'The Scarecrow and the Patchwork Girl are getting divorced _and_ the Scarecrow is shacking up with the Tin Man!'

'Big surprise,' said Zeb, smiling but unimpressed. 'The Scarecrow's been banging the Tin Man the whole time he's been married to the Patchwork Girl. I thought it was just one of those things everyone knew about but no one mentioned.'

'You mean you've known all along?' asked Dorothy, who was disappointed to have been left out of the loop.

'Yeah. A while back, Bruno and I went clubbing at the Witch's Castle – it's a really kinky place. Anyway, the Tin Man's mansion is in the same neighborhood and, driving by, I saw him and the Scarecrow through a window, locked in a loving embrace. Of course, there have been rumors, too.'

'The poor Patchwork Girl!' exclaimed Dorothy. 'This whole time, her hubby's been on the Down Low! I wonder if she even had a clue….'

While Zeb was taking a shower, probably soon to be accompanied by Bruno, Dorothy went out into the Palace gardens. The pretty 18-year-old was wearing her obligatory ruby slippers, white knee socks, a blue-and-white checked skirt, and a white shirt, tied up to reveal her midriff. Her trademark pigtails were held in place by blue bows. She had Toto tucked under one arm – she carried that dog around like he was a handbag.

Betsy Bobbin was in the gardens, skating around in a pair of roller-blades. She was wearing hot pants and a boob tube and she was sucking suggestively on a large lollipop – a souvenir from the previous day's encounter with the Lollipop Guild.

'Hi,' she said when she saw Dorothy. 'I love your outfit. You look like a naughty schoolgirl in a dirty fantasy.'

'Well, I _was_ going for the Schoolgirl Lolita look,' admitted Dorothy. 'But look who's talking! You look like the Rollergirl in _Boogie Nights_.'

'Thanks,' said Betsy, 'I'll take that as a compliment. Oh look, an extra from _Brokeback Mountain_!'

Zeb had just appeared, along with Bruno. 'Well, good morning to you too,' he said. 'Slut.'

At that moment, Princess Ozma came through the doors of the Palace, followed by the Cowardly Lion, who was wearing a faux fur coat that, besides being fairly redundant, made him look like a pimp.

Ozma was wearing a mint-green sheath dress and a long coat trimmed with fluffy feathers. Her dark hair had a green sheen as it caught the light. 'Morning, everybody,' she said. 'Hey, Dorothy, I'll bet you're excited – isn't your boyfriend getting out of jail today?'

'Oh, I almost forgot!' said Dorothy. 'I can't wait to see him again.'

Dorothy's boyfriend, Ojo, a petty criminal, had come to the Emerald City from Munchkinland, accompanied by the Patchwork Girl. He had been trying to make his fortune but kept getting into trouble with the law. When Dorothy first met him she had taken an instant liking to him (Perhaps she had a thing for bad boys.) and since then they'd had a lot of fun together – the kind that had inspired several steamy entries in Dorothy's diary.

'I'll just bet you can't wait to see him again, you ho,' said Betsy, with a grin.

'Yeah, well, the last time I got up close and personal with someone was when Ozma and I got drunk at that party and started making out.'

'And feeling each other up,' added Zeb.

'I took pictures to show you,' said Bruno. 'Then Betsy got a hold of them and put them on the Internet.'

'Betsy, you bitch,' said Dorothy, slapping her friend on the shoulder.

'_I_ wasn't drunk,' said Ozma, who was known to swing both ways. ('People do go both ways,' the Scarecrow had once said.)

'Ozma, you took advantage of me!' exclaimed Dorothy.

'Think we can get her to take advantage of you again?' said a voice. It was Ojo. He had come up behind Dorothy and put his muscular arms around her, copping a quick feel. His blue hair lay in jagged bangs over his forehead and was gathered into a short ponytail at the back. 'Girl-on-girl action is _so _hot.'

'Ojo, you perv,' said Dorothy. 'I've missed you!' She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

The Scarecrow and the Tin Man showed up then.

'Hey, you two,' said Dorothy. 'I heard you're moving in together. Congrats!'

'How's the wife?' asked Ojo, who had introduced the Scarecrow to the Patchwork Girl.

'Bitching about alimony,' answered the Scarecrow. 'She's already getting the house, for Christ's sake!'

All this time, Dorothy and her friends were unaware that they were being watched. Hiding behind an immense rosebush was none other than Kiki Aru. He had flown over the Palace wall on the broomstick and was now hidden by the shrubbery, staring at Dorothy's fabulous shoes, which glittered in the bright sunlight. The hue of these shoes was such a deep red – red: the color of love and life and sexual power. Kiki was almost hypnotized by those ruby slippers. He must have them! Oh, the things he could do with all that power! Did Dorothy even realize how much _power _those shoes gave her?

The scarlet shoes were beginning to burn an image into his retina, so Kiki looked away, turning his attention to Zeb, who was looking every bit like the fetishized gay cowboy. He was wearing boots, crotch-hugging jeans, and a tight T-shirt emblazoned with the words COWBOY BEBOP. A cowboy hat (well, duh!) sat atop his head. Zeb's hair was brown, like Dorothy's. His eyes were blue, like Dorothy's. He looked so devastatingly gorgeous that Kiki thought to himself, 'As soon as I get those damn ruby slippers from Dorothy, I'm going to make Zeb mine!'

Kiki leaned in to get a closer look at Zeb but lost his balance and fell through the rose hedge. He felt like flames were dancing across his skin as the sharp thorns cut into him. He hit the ground, much to the surprise of Dorothy and company.

At the sight of bloody Kiki, the Lion yelped and asked, 'What's that? What's that?' He then hid behind Ozma and Betsy, while little Toto growled at the intruder.

'Oh, he's hurt!' said the Tin Man, who, being naturally empathetic, began to cry.

'Stop crying!' snapped the Scarecrow. 'You know how it makes you rust.'

'But I thought you _liked_ oiling me all over,' whined the Tin Man.

'Eeeew! That's too much information!' cried Betsy.

'You poor thing,' Dorothy said to Kiki, while trying to restrain Toto, who had already tried to bite the stranger. 'Come on, let's get those cuts cleaned up.' She helped Kiki to his feet and led him into the Palace.

Kiki's injuries were actually minimal and, after Dorothy had patched him up with a band-aid or two, everyone was once again gathered in the Palace gardens.

'So, why were you hiding behind that rosebush?' asked Zeb, who was intrigued by this new arrival.

Kiki had to think fast. 'Um… I wasn't hiding, I was just…um.' He would have to use what little magic he knew of to get out of this tricky situation. He reached into his pocket and produced an object that looked like a compact. He handed it to Betsy, saying, 'The Lollipop Boys asked me to give you this. They said you left it behind yesterday.'

'Oh, thank you,' said Betsy, 'but this isn't my compact. Hey, now I remember you. You're that gay guy I met in Munchkinland. You came all the way here to give me a compact that isn't even mine? How sweet!'

'What's your name?' asked Zeb.

'I'm Kiki Aru.'

'_Kiki Aru_?' said Dorothy, barely suppressing a giggle. 'What an interesting name.'

While Kiki tried to make conversation with Zeb, Betsy whispered to Dorothy, 'I think he just wanted to come here so he could meet you. When I met him, he was standing outside your old house, like he was visiting a shrine or something. Who knows? Maybe you're gaining some kind of iconic status amongst Oz's gay community or something.'

'Well, I certainly seem to have enough gay friends,' Dorothy said thoughtfully. 'What's one more?'

She was going to tell Kiki how pleased she was to meet a fan of hers, but at that moment, he seemed to be involved in some kind of lively discussion with Bruno so, instead, she collapsed onto a deck chair with Ojo and started making out.

Zeb had wandered off to help Ozma fish Toto out of the koi pond and, boy, did Kiki enjoy watching him bend over! It was then that Bruno had come up to him.

'Don't think I don't know what you're up to,' he said, 'chatting to Zeb and acting all innocent when all the while you're undressing him with your eyes. Don't try to deny it! I can see the way you look at him. Let's just get one thing crystal clear: Zeb is _my_ man, and if I ever catch you drooling over him again, I'll kick your ass all the way back to Munchkinland.'

Bruno stomped off, leaving Kiki standing there, stunned into silence and more than a little frightened by the brawny sailor.

By this time, Ojo was on top of Dorothy, kissing her all over while she giggled loudly. 'Looks like they have the right idea,' Bruno said to Zeb, before pushing him up against a tree and kissing him deeply, slipping his tongue into Zeb's mouth.

Meanwhile, the Cowardly Lion was napping in the shade, purring like a kitten. Having nothing else to do, Betsy thought that she might as well have her first lesbian experience and allowed Ozma to kiss her. The Scarecrow was rubbing polish on the Tin Man's back in a vaguely erotic way, and it seemed as if Kiki would be left to witness an Oz orgy pretty soon. As it was, the Cowboy and the Sailor had already ripped each other's shirts off.

Now was his chance! He crawled over to the deck chair that held the writhing forms of Dorothy and Ojo, and made a grab for the slipper on Dorothy's left foot. Kiki felt a searing pain as both ruby slippers sent out a flurry of hot sparks. He pulled his hand back. His burned skin was already beginning to blister.

'What the hell are you doing?' yelled Dorothy, pushing Ojo off of her. She was on her feet like lighting and seething with anger. 'You were trying to steal my shoes, weren't you? I nurse your injuries and welcome you into my circle of friends and this is the thanks I get?! I am so _sick_ of people trying to steal my fucking shoes!'

'Those shoes should be mine!' retorted Kiki. 'I need them if I am to become Kiki Aru, the new Wicked Witch of the East. You don't deserve those shoes. When you first came to Oz, all you did was bitch about how much you wanted to go home. Why don't you just _go home_, and leave the shoes with me?'

'Screw that!' said Dorothy. 'My Aunt Em and Uncle Henry had to move into a trailer park after the twister blew our old house away. I may be many things, but _trailer trash_ is not one of them.'

'Could've fooled me!' Kiki shot back. 'And by the way – that checked gingham skirt makes your ass look big.'

'How dare you insult my outfit!' gasped Dorothy. 'That's rich coming from a guy who is (1) wearing more mascara than I am, and (2) desperate to squeeze his feet into my ruby slippers.'

The others were all looking on in mute shock at this unexpected scene.

Then Princess Ozma spoke up: 'I think you should leave right now. Get lost! Go raid the makeup counter at the Emerald City Mall.'

'Oh,' spluttered Kiki, '_big words_ coming from the princess who USED TO BE A BOY!'

'Shut the hell up!' roared Ozma. 'We don't talk about that!'

'Get your ass out of here NOW!' screamed Dorothy.

'Not until you hand over the shoes,' said Kiki, almost delirious. He was furious and desperate (and a little randy at the sight of Zeb shirtless).

Kiki launched himself at Dorothy and wrestled her to the ground (which was a grave mistake since Dorothy was not one to be provoked). Ojo wanted to go to his girlfriend's aid but at the sight of the flailing arms and legs, he decided it was best to keep a safe distance.

Kiki tugged hard on one of Dorothy's pigtails but she grabbed his hand and wrenched his arm behind his back. Kiki clamped his mouth shut in pain. All the dreams he'd had were being shattered.

'Let go of him, Dorothy,' said Zeb. 'You'll break his arm.'

Reluctantly, Dorothy released Kiki. He got up and dusted himself off. His cuts had begun to bleed again. This had been one of the worst days of his life: He had been scratched by thorns, threatened by a gay sailor, burned by Dorothy's dangerous yet desirable footwear, and beaten up by a girl. Maybe it was time to call it quits.

'Fine,' said Kiki. 'I'm leaving now, but you haven't heard the last of me. I will have my revenge and I will have those ruby slippers!'

'In your dreams,' said Dorothy. 'Watch out for falling houses.'

'I'll get you all!' ranted Kiki. Then, almost as an after-thought, he said, 'Except for you, Zeb.' He planted a quick kiss on Zeb's handsome face, and turned on his heel and tried to walk away with as much dignity as possible. He went behind the vicious rosebush where he'd stashed his broom and took off like a skyrocket.

'Good riddance!' said Bruno, draping a protective arm over Zeb's bare shoulders.

'Freak,' was all Dorothy said as she watched Kiki Aru soar into the clouds.


	2. Chapter 2

From the Emerald City News:

Flying Monkeys Attack Fetish Club 

Pandemonium broke loose the day before yesterday at the Witch's Castle, which has become a fetish club since the demise of its previous owner, the Wicked Witch of the West, who was destroyed by Dorothy Gale, Oz's National Heroine. At least a hundred flying monkeys burst into the club and attacked its terrified patrons, who were sent fleeing for their lives. A young dominatrix was bitten by a monkey and had to be treated for rabies. The club will be closed until further notice.

'Sounds fishy to me,' said Dorothy, slapping down the newspaper on the breakfast table after reading the article aloud. 'The flying monkeys were the Witch's minions but they were free to go about their own business after I melted the Witch. Why would they go back to her castle?'

'Maybe they're into kinky stuff, too,' suggested Princess Ozma, who was sitting at the head of the table with Dorothy to her right.

The Wizard of Oz was sitting to the left of Ozma, eating scrambled eggs. Zeb was seated beside Dorothy, facing Bruno. The two were gazing into each other's eyes, oblivious to everyone else in the room. Betsy wasn't there – she had the spent the night at some guy's place.

The Scarecrow was next to Zeb, nervously drumming his fingers on the table. He was waiting for his soon-to-be ex-wife to arrive. The Patchwork Girl would be bringing over their divorce papers for them both to sign. The Scarecrow wanted to have people around when this happened, since he was half afraid that the Patchwork Girl would tear him apart in a rage. She had been furious that the Scarecrow was leaving her for the Tin Man (who was conveniently absent from these proceedings). Quite frankly, the Scarecrow couldn't blame her.

Just then, she entered the room. The Patchwork Girl was like a cross between Raggedy Anne and the Bride of Frankenstein. She had been made from a patchwork quilt, shaped into a woman-sized doll, and brought to life by a crazy magician. Not wanting to discover what the magician planned to use her for, the Patchwork Girl had hit the Yellow Brick Road with Ojo and journeyed to the Emerald City. Once there, she had met the Scarecrow, fallen in love, and been married. And now she was getting divorced.

'Hello, everybody,' she said, waving her hand to include everyone present.

The others all returned her greeting, feeling awkward in her presence.

The Patchwork Girl opened her handbag and deposited the divorce papers on the table, in front of the Scarecrow.

'I've already signed them,' she said. 'Let's just get this over with so we can both get on with our lives.'

The Scarecrow scribbled his signature on the appropriate pages and said, 'Scraps, I…I'm sorry….'

'Don't,' said Scraps, holding up her hand. 'Just don't.'

The Patchwork Girl took back the pages and put them in her handbag. Then she noticed Toto lying at Dorothy's feet, which were clad in fluffy bunny slippers instead of her ruby ones.

'Before I go, do you mind if I use your powder room?' Scraps said to Ozma.

'Of course not,' said the Princess. 'Shall I show you where it is?'

'I'm sure I can find it myself,' answered the Patchwork Girl and, with a flip of her braids, she turned and left.

The Patchwork Girl was not going to any powder room. She walked down a hallway until she got to Dorothy's suite of rooms. Walking into Dorothy's bedroom, she immediately noticed the rumpled bed sheets, which had been thrown into disarray by the morning's lovemaking that had taken place between Dorothy and Ojo (who had left early to conduct some shady business in the Gillikin Country in the north of Oz).

The ruby slippers had been casually thrown on the floor, where they lay glittering enticingly next to the bed. Without wasting a moment, the Patchwork Girl picked up the shoes and shoved them in her handbag. Then she left Ozma's Palace.

Kiki Aru sat in a room in the tallest tower of the Witch's Castle, which had been deserted since the monkey attack. What a stroke of luck it had been that he had found the golden cap in a storeroom while visiting the fetish club. The strange-looking hat was made of gold fabric and the hatband was studded with rubies. This was the same golden cap that had given the Wicked Witch of the West the power to command her army of winged monkeys. Now the magical hat was on Kiki's head. He had used it to summon the flying monkeys, ordering them to attack the club-goers. With this place abandoned for the time being, Kiki had himself a cool base from which to operate.

He would have his revenge on Dorothy. How dare she deny his simple request for her ruby slippers! How dare she humiliate him in front of Zeb!

Ah…Zeb. Kiki stared out the window, thinking of the Gay Cowboy of Oz. He didn't know much about the world outside of Oz, but Kiki had heard that Zeb had come from a sunny place called California. He imagined Zeb working on some ranch, under the hot sun, shirtless and shiny with sweat….

Kiki moaned softly to himself. He was suddenly ripped from his fantasy by a loud voice: 'Hey, excuse me! Chi Chi Larue, or whatever your name is, I've brought you what you asked me for.'

He stood and whirled around to see the Patchwork Girl standing there.

'My _name_ is KIKI ARU!' he shouted. Then, in a quieter voice, he added, 'You brought them?'

'I said I would, didn't I?' Scraps said. 'It was a breeze to get them. Dorothy sometimes just leaves them lying around – like she did today. She really should be more careful.'

The Patchwork Girl opened her handbag and took out the ruby slippers, which sparkled in the light that came through the window.

Kiki almost had an orgasm when he saw the shoes. He snatched them from Scraps. 'Mine! Finally they're all mine!'

'Remember our deal,' the Patchwork Girl reminded Kiki. 'I got you your precious shoes, now you have to help me get back at the Scarecrow for running off with another man.'

'Don't worry, Miss Scraps,' Kiki responded. 'Dorothy's sure to mount a full-scale search for her shoes, which means she'll find her way here sooner or later. And it's a safe bet that the Scarecrow will be with her. Dorothy always drags her entire posse around with her wherever she goes. Naturally, they all worship her – that bitch! But we'll get her, don't you worry, we'll get them all!' He threw his head back and laughed maniacally.

'Okay, now you're starting to scare me,' said Scraps.

Kiki removed his boots and forced his feet into the ruby slippers. 'It's a good thing Dorothy has such big feet. These babies fit me like a glove.'

'Yeah, a really _tight_ glove,' muttered the Patchwork Girl.

'And now I will use my ruby slippers to make one of my fondest dreams come true,' said Kiki, clasping his hands together in a melodramatic fashion. 'I will use them to cast a love spell on Zeb Hugson!'

Kiki closed his eyes and clicked his heels together three times and said, 'Cowboy Zeb, you are the one for me/ By my will, it comes to be/ All your love you'll give to me/ To your heart, I hold the key.'

'Kinda sounds like a Dido song to me,' quipped Scraps.

The ruby slippers sparked a little, but that was all.

'It might take a while for the spell to start working,' Kiki said, almost to himself.

'OH MY GOD!' screamed Dorothy, after walking into her bedroom and seeing that her ruby slippers were missing.

After hearing Dorothy's cry, Zeb rushed into the room. 'What is it? What's wrong?'

'My ruby slippers! I can't find them anywhere!'

'Are you sure you left them here?' asked Zeb.

'Yes,' said Dorothy. 'They were on the floor, next to my bed.'

'What's all this screaming about?' asked Ozma, wandering into the room.

'Dorothy can't find her ruby slippers,' said Zeb.

'Well, they must be _somewhere_,' said Ozma. 'Dorothy, honey, I told you not to just leave them lying around. But anyway, who could have taken them?'

'Who?!' screeched Dorothy. 'I'll tell you who! I bet it's that freaky little prick, Kiki Aru!'

Zeb experienced a strange feeling at the mention of that name; it was almost like a sense of longing. He shrugged it off and said, 'I'll get Bruno and we'll help you search the Palace. It doesn't seem very likely that Kiki could've come here while we were having breakfast and swiped your shoes.'

'Zeb's right,' said Ozma. 'I told the Palace guards to be on the lookout for anyone fitting Kiki's description. He couldn't have slipped into this place without anyone noticing. Maybe you kicked your shoes off someplace else and forget where. You were probably fooling around with Ojo at the time.'

And so the search began. The Scarecrow and Bruno joined Dorothy, Zeb and Ozma as they made a sweep of the Palace grounds. Even Toto accompanied them, trying to pick up any suspicious scents.

Dorothy was becoming frantic. The Good Witch of the North had given her those shoes. They had kept her safe from harm on her first journey through Oz and had given her the power to return to Kansas when she had wanted so badly to go home. Then she had used the ruby slippers to carry her back to Oz for good. What would she do without those shoes?

As the day wore on, three more of Dorothy's friends joined the search. First came the Cowardly Lion, who had just returned from buying a new faux fur coat. This one was a leopard-print nightmare that came with a matching, wide-brimmed hat.

Then the Tin Man made an appearance. 'Has the Bride of Chucky gone?' he asked the Scarecrow.

'Yes,' said the Scarecrow, glad that there had been no altercation between his ex and his new love. 'Scraps left this morning.'

Finally, Betsy Bobbin showed up, looking like a tart and smelling of cheap sex. However, she was willing to help Dorothy look for her shoes. Those ruby slippers weren't only significant to Dorothy. Before coming to Oz, Betsy and Dorothy had been best friends in high school. Then Betsy had run off to California, dreaming of becoming an actress. Dorothy had been visiting her cousin Zeb when she had run into Betsy on a street corner in Los Angeles, where she had been ready to turn her first trick. If Dorothy hadn't brought her to Oz, who knew where Betsy would be right now.

Those sparkly red shoes had helped Zeb get out of a bad situation, too. The trouble had started when his violently homophobic Uncle Bill had been snooping around Zeb's bedroom and had found an old issue of _The Advocate_ (It was the one with Reichen and Chip on the cover.). Luckily, Dorothy had come along with her ruby slippers and had helped him escape over the rainbow.

'My shoes are nowhere to be found in this Palace,' said Dorothy. 'Kiki must've stolen them somehow; I just know it. I'm going to Munchkinland to find him and make him give me back my slippers!'

'Actually,' said Betsy, 'I saw the Lollipop Boys the day before yesterday and they said that Kiki hasn't been seen in Munchkinland for days.'

Dorothy decided to consult the Wizard in his apartments in the Palace. He was a little old man in a velvet coat and a top hat, and he was surprised that the girl still thought to seek his advice. After all, she had discovered him to be a fake wizard during the time when he had ruled the Land of Oz.

Still, the Wizard had helped the Scarecrow to realize that he already possessed intellect and had told the Tin Man that he'd been kind and loving all along. The two of them didn't really need a brain or a heart to have these qualities. As for the Lion, he may have seemed like a big sissy some of the time, but he had always been prepared to face danger to protect Dorothy.

After leaving Oz in a hot air balloon, the Wizard had made his way to L.A. Dorothy had found him outside a toy store, where he had been hired to make balloon animals for the amusement of children, as a promotional gimmick. He was certainly glad that Dorothy had taken him back to the Emerald City.

After listening to Dorothy's tale of her missing shoes, the Wizard said, 'If you suspect this Kiki Aru fellow of stealing the slippers, where might he be, if not in Munchkinland?'

'If I knew that, I'd be headed there right now,' said Dorothy.

'Isn't there someplace he might use as a hide-out, someplace he'd be drawn to?' continued the Wizard.

Dorothy thought for a moment. 'The Witch's Castle has been standing empty since the winged monkeys attacked the place. I'm sure Kiki would just love to use that place as his lair. He had some crazy idea of becoming a new Wicked Witch. It couldn't hurt to check out the castle.'

Dorothy told the others that she suspected Kiki was at the Witch's Castle. Since it was getting late, and everyone was tired, they decided to start out the next day, bright and early, off to the land of the West.

Meanwhile, Zeb had that weird feeling again after hearing Kiki's name. He kept thinking about Kiki: how he had looked boyishly charming with those band-aids on his face after he'd fallen through the rose hedge, how Kiki had kissed him before flying off on that broom.

Kiki was in the Witch's Castle – Zeb could feel it. He had to see Kiki – now. While Bruno was in the shower, Zeb jumped into his red Mini Cooper convertible and drove west, toward the setting sun.

Once he'd left the Emerald City, Zeb accelerated and hit the open road. The countryside stretched out in front of him. The western sky had a strange red tinge, unlike any sunset Zeb had ever seen before. He found it hard to think about anything besides Kiki. Thoughts of Bruno and how much he meant to him tried to stir within Zeb's mind but were blocked out by dark magic – Kiki's love spell.

Soon, the Witch's Castle loomed up on the horizon like a Gothic cathedral.

Kiki stood in the tower room, gazing out the window. He could see for miles around. There was the red car, steadily approaching.

'It's him! It's him!' exclaimed Kiki.

'Who? The Scarecrow?' asked the Patchwork Girl, looking up from the magazine she was reading.

'No! It's Zeb!' said Kiki. 'My spell actually worked!' He ran downstairs shouting, 'Ready or not, Zeb, here I come!'

When Kiki burst through the castle doors Zeb was outside, leaning on his car. He had a strange look on his face, as if he was unsure of what had brought him here. Then he saw Kiki.

Kiki could scarcely breathe. Zeb was wearing his cowboy hat (as usual), an Astro Boy T-shirt, and low-slung jeans that revealed his red boxers.

The Cowboy felt a sudden urge to kiss the Goth boy, and vice versa. Kiki flung himself into Zeb's arms and the two of them locked lips. Kiki was deliriously happy. Zeb had come to him! His love spell had worked!

Scraps cleared her throat noisily to announce her presence. 'Now that your Romeo has arrived, I hope you won't forget about helping me get revenge on my ex-husband.'

'Sure, whatever,' said Kiki, putting his arms around Zeb and kissing him again.


	3. Chapter 3

It didn't take Bruno long to figure out that Zeb was missing, along with his car. He immediately went to tell Dorothy of this new development.

'It's all starting to add up now,' said Dorothy. 'Kiki has some silly teenage crush on Zeb. He wanted him as much as my ruby slippers. He has to be behind the disappearance of my shoes and your boyfriend. He probably orchestrated the flying monkey attack as well.'

'I can't stand the thought of Zeb falling into Kiki's clutches,' said Bruno. 'I don't know about you, but I'm going over to the Witch's Castle right now to find Zeb. Look over to the west – there's that weird red glow in the sky. Something freaky is going down there; I just know it.'

'Yeah,' said Dorothy, 'and it's got Kiki's name written all over it. He's probably using magic too. He must've cast some kind of spell on Zeb to lure him to the Witch's Castle. He's a wannabe witch – all the hocus pocus he's conjuring up _with my shoes _is probably what's causing the red light in the sky.'

Dorothy went to tell Ozma that she would be heading to the Witch's Castle right now instead of the next day.

'Good luck, honey,' said Ozma. 'As much as I'd love to go trekking across the Winkie Country to look for your shoes, I have a date tonight with a really cute guy. _And_ he has a really cute sister. I think you know where I'm headed with this.'

'Fine,' said Dorothy. 'I'd hate to get in the way of your sex life. If you'll excuse me, I have to go ask the Wizard to keep an eye on Toto for me while I'm gone.' As she turned to leave, Dorothy noticed Ozma's strappy emerald stilettos and was reminded of how much she wanted to retrieve her own jeweled shoes.

Dorothy and her friends gathered outside the Palace, ready to embark on their journey to the West.

The Kansas girl had put on a pair of chunky black Mary Jane pumps and a black pinafore-style dress over a white blouse with short, puffy sleeves. On her hands, she wore delicate lace gloves, and she was carrying a white parasol trimmed with lace. Ever the performance dresser, she was the picture of a demure Gothic Lolita.

Betsy, on the other hand, was wearing a red spaghetti-strap dress, the hem of which ended well above the knee, and a pair of transparent plastic platforms that made her seem like a hoochie Cinderella.

The Tin Man picked up his axe and said, 'Are we ready to go?'

'Those flying monkeys always scared the piss out of me,' said the Lion. 'What if they're still in the Witch's Castle? Maybe I should just stay here.'

'Oh no,' said the Scarecrow. 'You're coming with us. Dorothy needs as much backup as possible. We don't know what Kiki might be planning.'

'Okay, okay,' said the Lion. 'I'm going there for Dorothy.'

'I'm going there for Zeb,' added Bruno.

Awhile later, they were all walking across the grassy plains of the Winkie Country, in the direction of the Witch's Castle. Although night should have fallen by this time, the sky was now a blazing shade of crimson. Dorothy thought that this was rather ominous.

The winged monkeys surrounded Kiki Aru as he stood before the large window of the tower. Zeb was by his side and Kiki held his hand, afraid to let him out of his sight in case Zeb suddenly came to his senses and went back to Bruno. This didn't seem that likely, however, as Zeb was simply staring vacantly ahead, like someone who'd been hypnotized.

Kiki saw Dorothy and her companions in the distance, making their way to his castle. 'We have company,' he said to the Patchwork Girl, who rushed over to the window to see who was coming.

'Are you going to send out the flying monkeys to get them?' asked Scraps.

'I have a better idea,' said Kiki. He clapped his heels together three times and said, 'Sky darken, thunder rumble/ From the clouds, the rain must tumble!'

Black clouds rolled across the red sky. Drops of rain began to pelt Dorothy and her crew. The girl held up her parasol, using it to protect herself, as well as Betsy, from the shower. But there wasn't enough room under the little umbrella for all the others.

The Tin Man began to squeak as he walked and it wasn't long before he stood motionless, rusted into a state of paralysis by the rain. The Scarecrow collapsed in a soggy lump and couldn't get up again. The Lion's coat and hat were soaked through, ruined by the water, so he took them off and threw them down beside his immobile comrades.

Dorothy had faced more extreme forms of weather than rain and wasn't going to turn back now. For the time being, there was nothing she could do for the Tin Man and the Scarecrow, so she said to them, 'We'll come back for you.'

Bruno was just as determined as Dorothy to get to the Witch's Castle, which was a few steps away now. Zeb's car was parked outside. So the Kansas girl, the Lion, the Sailor and the Whore plodded on toward their destination.

'Happy now?' Kiki asked the Patchwork Girl. 'Your ex-husband has been reduced to a sack of mushy oatmeal, while the Tin Man looks like some kind of weird metal statue.'

'Serves them both right,' said Scraps, trying not to feel a twinge of guilt.

'And now Dorothy and her friends are walking right into my trap,' said Kiki, with a grin.

Dorothy and the others walked up to the doors of the Witch's Castle, which were unlocked. Stepping through the foyer, they found themselves standing on a broad dance floor. A bar area lined the adjacent wall, while a sign pointed the way to an S & M dungeon downstairs.

Directly across the floor was a spiral staircase. Kiki appeared at the top and began to descend. He was wearing a long black coat, like the one worn by Keanu Reeves in _The Matrix_. On either side of him, and linking arms with him as if to form an escort, were the Patchwork Girl and the zombie-like Zeb.

'God, Kiki is _such _a drama queen,' muttered Betsy.

Dorothy felt herself fill with rage when she saw her ruby slippers on Kiki's feet. He was wearing a ridiculous golden hat too. Dorothy thought she had seen it before, while the Wicked Witch of the West had held her captive in her castle.

'I'm sure you all know my _rag_ hag, Miss Scraps,' said Kiki when he'd reached the bottom of the stairs. 'And of course, this is my new boyfriend, Zeb.'

Bruno rushed forward at this. 'You asshole! Zeb's _my_ boyfriend! Let go of him before I smack you like the little bitch that you are!'

'Zeb's not going anywhere,' stated Kiki, 'and neither are any of you.'

At his command, the flying monkeys swooped down from the room in the tower and blocked all the exits.

'I've had enough of your bullshit,' said Bruno, withdrawing a plastic water pistol from his pocket. He squeezed the trigger and shot a stream of water all over Kiki's face. Kiki spluttered but was otherwise unaffected.

'Why aren't you melting?' asked Bruno, disappointed that his plan hadn't worked. 'If you're a witch, then you're supposed to melt when you get wet.'

'Only the Wicked Witch of the West suffered from that particular affliction,' said Kiki, wiping his face. 'And now, I've had enough of _your_ bullshit.' He tapped his heels together thrice, pointed at Bruno, and said: 'I think I'll turn you into a dog.'

Bruno suddenly became very hairy all over and developed sharp teeth. However, transformations were obviously not Kiki's forte because, instead of turning into a dog, Bruno took the form of a werewolf in a sailor hat. His shirt tore as he grew into the hulking beast.

'I'll rip your throat out,' growled Bruno.

'Stay back,' threatened Kiki, 'or I might just have to turn Zeb into a snail.'

'Let's not make things any worse than they already are,' Dorothy told Bruno. Turning to the Patchwork Girl, she said: 'I never would have suspected _you_ of being in league with Kiki. Are you the one who stole my slippers?'

'I needed him to help me get my revenge on the Scarecrow for betraying me the way he did,' said Scraps.

'So you bartered away Dorothy's shoes?' asked Betsy. 'Shame on you!'

'Ooh, _girl_, you are triflin' – don't act so high and mighty with me!' Scraps shot back. 'You're just a nasty ho.' She bobbed her head, making her braids dance around like little snakes.

'For my next spell, I'll try turning the hooker in the red dress into a rat,' announced Kiki, pointing at Betsy and knocking his heels together.

Betsy was transformed into a rabbit, all tangled up in the red dress.

'Damn!' said Kiki. 'The wrong animal again.'

'You really suck at being a witch,' said Dorothy. 'And by the way – I thought it was your dream to become the new Wicked Witch of the _East_. In case you don't know how to use a compass, this is the _West_.'

'East, West – who gives a shit?' answered Kiki. 'The Witch of the East may have had the ruby slippers, but the Witch of the West left behind this awesome castle. And now I get to have both!'

He then turned to the Lion, who was standing close to Dorothy, as far from the winged monkeys as possible. 'Well, if it isn't the big pussycat! And I do mean _pussy_. I have something for you, kitty.' From his coat pocket, Kiki pulled out a small toy lion, which he tossed at the Cowardly Lion. The stuffed animal bounced off the big cat and landed on the floor. The toy lion was pierced with long pins.

The Cowardly Lion screamed like a girl. 'Dorothy! He's trying to use voodoo on me!' He ran off and locked himself in a nearby storage closet.

'That takes care of him,' said Kiki. 'Now, my dear Dorothy, what shall I do with you?'

Before Kiki could click his heels together again, Dorothy raised her arms and turned around three times while saying, 'I cast the circle three times round/ All within is safe and sound!'

A shimmering curtain of energy formed around Dorothy, and Kiki knew that he would be unable to use magic against her while she was in the confines of the protective circle.

'A good witch must've taught you that trick,' said Kiki, furious to have been outwitted by the girl so unexpectedly.

'Exactly,' returned Dorothy. 'It was Glinda.'

As if on cue, a giant rainbow-tinted bubble floated in through one of the high, arched windows. The bubble came to rest on the dance floor, fading away to reveal none other than Glinda the Good Witch. Kiki thought with satisfaction that Glinda looked somewhat frumpy in her candy-pink meringue dress. Also, her amber-red hair looked like pure Nice 'n Easy. The crown on her head pushed her ensemble way over the top. She looked like a drag queen.

'Dorothy, are you alright?' asked Glinda. 'I would have come sooner but your dilemma only came to my attention a little while ago. I've been so busy… but anyway, I'm here now.'

'Oh shit!' said Kiki. 'Why the hell did _you _have to show up?'

'Don't you sass me, young man!' retorted Glinda. 'I'm much more skilled at being a witch than you will ever be. I don't want to give away my age, but I'm sure I've been casting spells since before you were even a twinkle in your daddy's eye. So _don't_ screw with me!'

'Glinda!' said Dorothy. 'He has my ruby slippers! He's been doing things to my friends, and… and…how am I going to get my goddamn shoes back?!'

'Well, my dear,' answered the Good Witch, 'you know how the spell of the ruby slippers works – those shoes won't come off unless he takes them off himself. You can't take them off his feet – as long as he's _alive_.'

'Is that a threat?' snapped Kiki.

'Oh, Kiki,' said Glinda, her voluminous skirt rustling as she walked toward him. 'Why can't you use your powers for good instead of evil? Look at Zeb! The poor boy probably doesn't even know where he is. Honestly, the lengths some people will go to just to get a boyfriend! Don't you want someone to love you for who you are, not just because you cast a spell on him? And why do you insist on tottering around in those shoes? They're too tight; they must hurt your feet. Do you want to end up with bunions and fallen arches?'

'No!' screamed Kiki. His feet really _were_ aching. How had Dorothy managed to go skipping down the Yellow Brick Road in these things? He was almost tempted to take the shoes off – almost.

'_These_ may be more suitable for you,' said Glinda, waving her star-tipped wand. On the floor in front of Kiki, a pair of biker boots appeared. They were covered in black sequins. 'Aren't they sexy? I'm sure they'd make you the belle of every fetish ball for months to come.'

'You're not fooling me,' said Kiki. 'This is just a ploy to get me to take off the ruby slippers.' (He really did want to take them off – he had blisters on his feet.)

'Kiki, sweetie,' Glinda said in a gentle tone, 'I know you feel alone and misunderstood, but turning people into animals, or stealing their shoes or their boyfriends isn't going to make you very popular. I know you think that the ruby slippers will give you the power to have all your heart's desires but, really, that power has to come from within _you_.' She winked surreptitiously at Dorothy.

'You're right,' said Kiki, his eyes brimming with tears. Glinda had played on his insecurities, but he knew that her words were true. 'Oh, screw it!' He kicked off the ruby slippers and fell, sobbing, into the Good Witch's embrace.

Glinda held Kiki and motioned frantically for Dorothy to grab the slippers.

The magic circle dissolved as Dorothy crossed its boundary. She snatched up the shoes, pulled off her Mary Janes, and put the ruby slippers back on her feet, where they belonged.

'Here, have something to drink,' Glinda said to Kiki, waving her wand and producing a bottle of mineral water. He took the bottle from her and gulped the water. 'Just take a moment to calm down,' said the Good Witch.

She went over to Dorothy and whispered, 'That may have looked like mineral water I gave him, but it's actually a potion that will drain Kiki of the few witch powers he has. He won't be giving you any more trouble.'

'Thanks, Glinda,' said Dorothy. 'What would I have done without you?'

The Patchwork Girl came up to Dorothy and said, 'Sorry I stole your shoes. Hey, you know what they say: _Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned._ And don't worry about the Scarecrow; I'm sure he can be dried out. As for his backdoor lover, well, he can always be oiled. See ya!' With that, she whirled around and walked out of the castle.

Meanwhile, Bruno took hold of Zeb's shoulders and said, 'Hey, Zeb. Snap out of it, dude. What has that dumbass done to you? I know it must be hard to recognize me as a werewolf and all, but you have to remember me. Remember the night we first met? We were in that club. It was Halloween. I told you how, when I was a little boy, my dad used to say I was as bright as a button, so my mom used to call me Button-Bright. And you said, "I think I'll stick to calling you Bruno."'

'I…I remember,' said Zeb. 'How could I forget _you_?' He kissed the werewolf's furry face. As it turned out, a kiss was all it took to break the spell. Bruno immediately reverted to his human form.

Zeb hugged Bruno, who was looking especially sexy in his torn shirt, which showed off his well-defined abs.

'Excuse me! A little help here!' called Betsy, flapping her bunny ears in irritation.

Zeb knelt down and kissed Betsy just above her twitchy pink nose. She changed back into the pretty auburn-haired girl she had been, although she had to straighten out her dress, which had become all twisted up while she had been a rabbit. Her platforms had fallen off her little paws.

Dorothy went over to her cousin and hugged him. 'Zeb, are you okay?'

'I'm fine,' he said. 'I feel like I've just woken up from a weird dream or something.'

Dorothy walked to the storage closet and knocked on the door. 'It's okay, Lion,' she said, 'you can come out of the closet now.'

The Cowardly Lion opened the door and stepped out, feeling a little sheepish for having made such a fuss.

'Can somebody please get these monkeys out of here?' said Glinda. 'They stink!'

A few days later, Dorothy and her friends were all sitting together in Ozma's Palace. The Scarecrow was his old self again after he'd been dried off and filled with fresh straw. The Tin Man had been oiled so that he could move again. Neither of them had suffered any permanent damages from being caught in the storm Kiki had summoned. Scraps, having aided Kiki in his schemes, was keeping a low profile and hadn't been seen since the whole episode in the Witch's Castle.

Bruno had his arm around Zeb, relieved that he'd been able to get him back from Kiki and that the silly love spell had worn off so easily.

Dorothy was sitting with Ojo, who was kissing her tender neck. Toto was lying at her feet, almost as if he was guarding her ruby slippers. 'You know,' she said to the others, 'in the end, I guess I felt sorry for Kiki. Sure he was a little crazy, and he certainly caused plenty of trouble for us, but I think he really just wanted to be liked. Oh, I almost forgot – he sent me a note to apologize for everything he did. He said he's sorry he cast that love spell on you, Zeb.'

'Sorry my ass,' said Bruno. Zeb kissed him. Sometimes it was good to have a jealous, protective boyfriend.

'Anyway,' continued Dorothy, 'he went on to say that there was a big party at the Witch's Castle to celebrate the re-opening of the fetish club. Kiki went there, wearing the sequined boots Glinda gave him, got drunk, and ended up kissing a talking goat.'

'Eew!' exclaimed Betsy. 'Kiki must be really desperate.'

'But here's the thing,' said Dorothy, 'the goat had been under a spell and turned into a prince named Bobo. Apparently, Kiki and Prince Bobo really hit it off. Kiki's moving into Prince Bobo's palace. Can you believe it?!'

'I'm just glad he won't be coming after me anymore,' said Zeb.

'_I'm_ just glad that he has his own damn sparkly footwear now, so he won't be coming after _my_ _shoes_ anymore,' said Dorothy.


End file.
